About Getting Beaten Up By A Rich Guy In A Karate Outfit (New Material)

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Artistic Decline: A Novel (New Content)

Chapter One: The Angel and the Caveman   

            Ben Billings pulled back the Sunday Dallas Morning News with a snap. He was seated at the breakfast table and had a perfect line of sight to the front door. A quick look at the Rolex adorning his tanned wrist gave him added ammunition. Scattering inky pages to the floor, he stood and leaned forward. “You have some nerve, woman. Maybe you should just move in with the guy!”

            “What time is it?” she asked, sliding down the thick mahogany door as it thumped shut. Her enormous handbag was close enough to enlist into pillow service. She buried her sunglass-covered face in the cavernous opening, dreaming of a way to burrow out a little corner space inside. It’s like a small city in here, she thought.

            He was in the foyer now. “That’s all you have to say? It’s as if you don’t even care about my feelings. Don’t do this to me, Tabby.”

            “Are you done?” she mumbled, rolling off the purse and onto the carpet, flat, limbs sprawled out.

            “Ah,” he crooned. “You’re like a person that makes a snow angel. Wouldn’t that be something—if you were the sort of person with a heart that made snow angels?”

            She answered with a middle finger from one of her wings. “Had enough fun, Benji? Am I in a Tennessee Williams play? Are you wearing shorts? Hairy legs, man. So frigging hairy.”

            Ben was looming, arms akimbo. She held out her other wing for him to help her up, but he remained in place. “Take it back.”

            “What? The thing about your legs? Can’t. It’s like living with a caveman. The caveman. The super hairy one that scares all the other cavemen away. Because of all the hair.”

            Her jabs were causing his shins to itch, but he fought the sensation, finally grabbing her outstretched hand. As he pulled her slender body vertical, her forehead came to rest on his shoulder. “Be gentle, Benji Bear.”

            “Benji Bear,” he whispered into her tousled blonde hair. “That’s insulting on several levels. Me and dogs everywhere, shocked and aghast.”

            “I’m sorry,” she said, drooling onto his favorite summer brunch shirt.

            “Long one, huh?” he asked, thinking about changing shirts. “Did you—”

            “It was a job. You don’t get to ask about the nuts and bolts.”

            “Nuts and bolts? Seriously, Tabitha. You’re giving Benji Bear an upset stomach with these reckless descriptors. He may have to vomit.”

            “Speaking of that,” she said, slinging the capacious handbag over her shoulder, leaving half the contents strewn on the floor. “I’ve got good news.”

            He watched her struggle up the stairs in the previous night’s heels with a hand cupped over her mouth. “Vomit is good news?” he asked. “I guess under the right circumstances...”        

            She stopped at the landing, gathering enough of herself. “Golf club.”

            “I know—we’re going to be late.” He tapped the face of his watch twice for added impact. “Their brunch is good enough to make me say brunch without a huge amount of ironic contempt.”

            Tabitha tried to expand on her statement, but the feeling of impending sickness drove her to the half-bath near the top of the stairs.

            Ben looked again at his shirt and hummed a song to drown out the sound of the retching. It sounded violent enough to initiate a bubble of concern in his soul parts. He brushed it aside. “Can’t get too caught up in your role, Tabby,” he whispered, strolling back to kitchen for another cup of coffee. By the sound of things, it was going to be a bit. “Can’t get too caught up,” he repeated, trying to remember who bequeathed that particular wisdom nugget.

            Picking up the sports page to read about the latest travails of the Cowboys, he felt vibrating in his shorts from an incoming call. Reading the screen, he let out a tension-filled breath. “Hey, darling,” he whispered, looking up at the ceiling. “One second,” he said, pulling his head away from the phone to listen for Tabby. Awesome. Still puking. “What’s going on, Bryce?” Ben asked, walking hurriedly to the kitchen backdoor.

            “Baby. I want you to come over so bad. The thought of you turns me on.”

            Stepping out into the cool fall air, Ben went a little weak in his hairy knees. Bryce Creighton was in her mid-twenties and hot as hell. She was from old Texas money, finishing up her law degree at SMU just a few miles down the road. That way she’d have a CV good enough to justify decent placement in her family’s corporation. Serving a year as a corporate functionary would just about do “the trick.” She’d meet a smart man from their business or one of an equal caliber. The smart man would be attractive and dutiful. “One who walks the path.” He’d work out in the mornings and have tepid sex with her once a month after the first year of marriage. She’d of course quit her job as the kids came. Probably a boy and girl, with stupid names like Bristol or Bree or Birch or whatever bullshit was in fashion. This was the story of her life. She recited it almost line for line each time they met. Ben found it tedious and self-indulgent, but there was something in the fact that the girl was smart enough to know the life-traps and smart enough to know she was too cowardly to avoid them. Mostly, she was hot. Ben met her at a little concert at some pretentious bar on Greenville—a section of town for rich kids in their twenties and forty-five year old sad sacks with long graying beards.

            “Sweetheart, I think I’m going to be a little tied up today. Really close to finishing the modifications to my boat.”

            “My big strong adventurer. Does that mean the funding came in?”

            “Adventurer,” he answered, applying just enough self-deprecation to sound charming to a landlocked future lawyer. “The funding—still trying to tie the last bit down.”

            “You think it’d be easier.”

            “Yeah,” he said, plopping down in a squishy deck chair, already tired of the ruse. The night they met he could tell by her jewelry and her clothes that she came from money, so he decided to go with a story about sailing solo around the world to raise cash and awareness for some disease or another. Win her heart. Win some cash from her trust fund.

            Win.

            “People just don’t care about Leishmaniasis like they used to.”

            “I thought it was Crohn’s,” said young Bryce.

            “Of course it’s Crohn’s,” he said, eyes wide and palm tapping his head. “That was a test. You passed. Such a great listener.”

            “So are—”

            “Hey, they’re telling me I’ve got to go. Something about a gaff or a bilge. Talk later, babe.”

            Ben ended the call during her goodbye and deleted it from the phone’s history. No need, really. Almost a reflex.

            “This damn thing sticks.” Tabby’s voice was muffled as she tried to push the backdoor open.

            “Give it a good shoulder!”

            She finally plunged out onto the patio of their smallish backyard. “Can’t you fix that?”

            He fired off a glare menacing enough not to be taken seriously. “Looking better already,” he said. She really did. Tabitha was nothing if not resilient. Most attractive women her age would’ve given themselves over to two or three marriages or two or three plastic surgeries. Not her. She still had her dreams.

            “Thank you, Ben.”

            “Got all the puke out?”

            “Yeah. And now I don’t have to purge on purpose.”

            “It’s a capital start to the day. Every time I think you’ve finally done yourself in, you shine back up like a new penny.”

            “You’re too kind,” she added, throwing out a playful hand his way.

            “Really. Like an easy to clean ashtray.”

            “I’m going to let that last one go because I’m in a good mood.”

            “Brunch?” Ben asked.

            “No. I mean yes—but no. What I was saying earlier. The good news. I think we found the big one.”

            “That guy from last night? You’ve been working on him for weeks. He’s got a few million liquid at best.”

            “Not him. Someone he’s working with. Or for. Something like that.”

            “You got a name?”

            “Dina Santorelli.”

            Ben took a sip of coffee, trying not to react. “The Dina Santorelli.”

            “Yes, Benji. The one you’re thinking of.”

            “She’s like in the top fifty richest people in the world.”

            “Number thirty. And getting richer all the time.”

            “It’s too dangerous. Even if this mope you’ve been stringing along has the premium information, the profile is huge. We’d be targets the rest of our lives.”

            Tabitha looked at Ben as he sank into his lumpy seat. He was tapping the cell phone through the fabric of his shorts. “You talk to the college girl today?”

            “No. Maybe.”

            “You old sailor you.”

            “At least my play is realistic.”

            Tabby leaned forward and began speaking with her fists clenched up by her chin. “Yes, it could be dangerous. But our walkaway money isn’t going to come from some Lupus scam.”

            “Leishmaniasis. Or Crohn’s. That’s—doesn’t matter.”

            “God. Listening to you right there made me sad.  Think about it. You write up the playbook. We put on an epic performance. We’ll be in the Mediterranean in a few months, living the real life.”

            She was putting on a good show, and her nothing ventured nothing gained point had merit. Still. “Pulling a job on someone like this—we could die.”

            “What are we doing here?” she said, looking around at the dormant grass and the untended bushes.

            “Dying slowly.”

            “See? Your wit is coming back already.”

            Ben Billings was no stranger to moments like this. Someone coming at him with the full court press, explaining how things were going to be better from now on. Dreams. Glory.

            “What are you thinking?” she asked, watching him puzzle through.

            “I’m thinking about step one. What is it?”

            “The golf club.”

            “Brunch?” he asked.

            “No. The golf—just put on some pants. We’ll talk in the car.”

            “Did you use Listerine? Because that was some serious yacking.”

            “Get those legs moving, simian.”

Chapter Two: Make Like Kang

            The ride to Evan Henry’s house only took a few minutes. Tabby had a heavy foot and they basically lived in the same neighborhood. Highland Park. One of richest zip codes in the country. Spreading out in their natural habitat was usually a sound methodology for getting at the rich’s money, so Ben found an older woman that spent most of her time living overseas and offered to take care of the house they were currently living in. It needed a lot of work and it wasn’t that spacious, but the location made the property worth four million. And they lived on the outskirts.

            Evan Henry’s place was palatial and smack in the middle of the community, next door to asshole investment bankers and dodgy lawyers at the top of their dirty games. “I don’t like this street,” Ben said, buttoning his sport coat as he stepped out of the car. “If Hitler wanted to live somewhere near downtown Dallas, he’d pick this exact spot.”

            “Just Hitler? You don’t think Stalin and Mao would dig the locale?”

            “Mock away.”

            “You’re either jealous or just an ass,” Tabitha said, checking her makeup before opening the door. “Oh yeah. Both. Sorry. Slipped my mind.”

            As they walked up the snakelike redbrick path, Ben shrugged in a particularly pouty way.

            “Don’t play the hurt child.”

            “What? Some of the stuff you say—it can get pretty nasty. Times I even think you mean it.”

            “I do mean it. You’re a criminal and extremely judgmental. How does that even work?”

            “You’ve lost me.”

            “That’s for damn sure,” Tabitha said, ringing the doorbell while waving at the camera angled down at them with an overactive smile.

            A buzzing sound went off and the heavy door opened slow and steady. “Yeah,” Ben said, “that’s not creepy at all.”

            “Come on in,” said a squelched voice from an intercom underneath the camera. “I’m toward the back of the house. Just go by the den and the library and make a right at the sitting room. Oh, and a left at the parlor.”

            Tabby slipped her arm through Ben’s as they stepped inside. Everything was polished and shiny, from the ceramic floors to the chandeliers. The taste was eclectic. It was the house of a man who’d had taken decorating advice from at least four girlfriends from different countries. The entrance had a Latin American flair. The dining room was functional and minimalistic. Probably dated an Ingrid. The artwork was impressionistic. Either a French chick or a chick that wished she was. There was strange music coming from somewhere. It sounded Chinese to Ben.

            These were the things he thought about as they made their way through Evan Henry’s mansion. “A parlor, a library and a sitting room,” Ben whispered, still scanning every inch of the place. “This guy thinks he’s in BBC series, but lacks the class to pull it off.”

            The music got louder as they neared the back. Tabby raised her perfect eyebrows at the massive heated pool in the backyard before coming to a fretful stop. “Wait a second. Is that the score?”

            “What score?”

            Before the words could dissolve, he knew what she was talking about. His carefully-tanned face went white as a sheet. “Oh my God. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

            “We can’t just go.”

            “He’s watching it. And the sound is like—on!”

            “Hey you two!” said Evan Henri, bursting through a set of double doors in a brilliantly white karate gi. He bowed to Ben and gave a Tabitha a quick kiss on the cheek. His smile was full of commitment and as bright as the stupid outfit adorning his short, stocky body.

            “Are you watching Dynasty of Danger in there?” Ben asked hesitantly, looking over Evan Henry’s brown bald head toward the source of the sound. “In a karate outfit? That’s—”

            “I’m not watching it,” Henk said, playfully stopping a punch short of Billings’ midsection. “I mean I’ve seen it. Way in the way back of the day. Hahahmm.” His laugh was singularly strange. The first part was fake. The second part sounded like he was moaning from some secret satisfaction. “The Kang and I were training in the media room and had it going in the background. Wow. What an astonishing piece of crap. Hahahmm.”

            Evan Henk was referring to the film that had served to sink the once burgeoning careers of Benjamin Billings and Tabitha Shaw. With the hottest writer and director in Hollywood, a massive budget, and two relatively unknown but beautiful and talented young leads, what could possibly go wrong?

            Turns out, quite a bit.

            Riding the success of their previous projects, the vaunted writer/director duo spent most of preproduction, production, and postproduction drunk and high. The script included a treasure hunt in Manchuria, an incessantly helpful monkey, and a blind Buddhist guide. The blank check only worsened the stacking problems, adding fuel to a conflagration of epic proportions. The rough cut was racially and artistically offensive in every way possible. The final edits were even worse. The studio sent it straight to video and wrote off the loss, only distributing it in Canada. The few copies that got out ended up in Alberta truck stop bins, purchased by the occasional drunk mistaking it for an adult film.

            After Dynasty, Ben and Tabby’s careers in showbiz well and truly dried up. Her agent ran for the hills. She lost her record deal within a year. Ben’s father, who was also his agent, died six months after the movie flopped, mostly from guilt over his son’s botched career. The song publishing deal he was signed to got bought out and three scripts he’d gotten picked up never turned into anything.

            And so they stuck together, two dejected casualties of the Hollywood thresher. They found some solace on the stage. Off Broadway, in the way that Neptune is Off Earth. After a few years and a few more crushed hopes, they chucked it when a new character entered their lives. Someone who taught them other ways of converting talent to money.

            “So, for inspiration or something?” Tabby asked, pointing at the screen.  

            Dynasty did have some fight scenes.

            “Inspiration, hahahmm?”

            “Oh,” she said, put off by the way Evan Henri could ask a question and do his stunted laugh thing at the same time. “I was wondering why you had the film playing.”

            “Not for inspiration, my dear. I only wanted to study up on my new partners during my workout. Two birds.”

            “New partners?” Ben asked, looking sternly at Tabitha.

            “She didn’t tell you much, did she?” asked Evan Henk, dabbing his right eye with the lapel of his gi while daintily poking Ben in the chest.

            “We really didn’t have much time, Evan. Mostly he’s been complaining about brunch.”

            “I’m starving,” Ben said, trying to forget about the poking.

            “We’ll be off to the club in two shakes. First, let’s go back. I don’t want to sweat on this rug. It’s precious to me.”

            As they followed their squatty host into his media room, they say their own youthful faces on the backside screen, bigger than life.

            Ben put on his sunglasses and closed his eyes. 

            Tabby looked down at the floor.

            In the middle of the room stood a stiff-faced Japanese man standing on a large training mat. “This is Kang,” said Evan Henk.

            “Hello,” Kang said, bowing in an inhumanly fast manner. “You two are the ones in the movie. Interesting.”

            “That’s enough, Kang. Training session’s over today. Pack it up.”

            Another bow and the sensei was moving like kamikaze. His shit was packed and he was out the back door with the quietude of an expert in B&E.

            “He’s quick,” Tabby said, truly impressed.

            “Oh yeah, hahahmm. Quigley is a force of nature. He also has other skills.” Henk was standing in the spot just occupied by Kang, holding the remote up to his deeply dimpled chin.

            “Wait a minute,” Ben interjected, squinting as he pulled down his aviators. “Kang’s first name is Quigley? And can you turn off the damn movie?”

            “Boy, Tabitha. He’s more surly than you let on. Just a real firebrand.”

            “I think we’re done here.” Billings tapped Tabby on the arm and did a motion to make like Kang.

            “You’ve been done a long time, cowboy.” Henk, hitting the pause button. The image of a monkey sitting on Billings’ shoulders as Billings rode an elephant was frozen in the background behind their host. “A long time.”

            “All right, Evan. Is this you trying to get me riled up? Not going to work, pal. I’m a professional.”

            Tabby put a hand over her eyes. It was hard to hear a grown man talk about professionalism with a scene like that paused on the screen.

            “Tell me, Benjamin. Did you do many of the stunts for this film. Any stunts at all.”

            “What’s the difference?”

            “Just looked liked you might have some training. Think you can take me?”

            “I don’t know much, Henk, but I know I don’t want to take you anywhere.”

            “Afraid there’s no choice. I want to fight the hero of Dynasty of Danger. It’s been a burning desire of mine since I saw it for thirty cents on hotel pay-per-view in the late 90s.”

            “We’re gone. Have fun playing with yourself, Cobra Kai.”

            “Shame. The payment will have to come from our lovely Tabby. Maybe a toe. What do you think, hun?”

            Billings sank into himself, fully apprehending the nature of their visit. Tabitha must’ve tried some sort of short con on Henk and gotten caught. They were there to do penance. The kind that ain’t optional. That said, he couldn’t pretend to acquiesce. He needed more information. A look at Tabby’s frightened face told him just about what he needed to know, but the boundaries needed another shove. This wasn’t their first tight spot. Their was a process.

            “Sorry, Benji.” Tabitha was clutching her purse like it was a teddy bear that could protect her from life’s evils. If he hadn’t been furious, Ben might’ve found it endearing.

            “You’re not talking to me. The time to talk would’ve been an hour ago.”

            “Enough,” said Evan Henk, snapping his fingers above his head. Two large men in suits and half-turtlenecks filled up the doorway to the media room. They looked exactly like men a guy like Henk would hire. Desperate and on enough steroids to pretty much roll with anything. Ben had seen them on shitty security details during his career; the types that always asked if there was any “stunt work” available.

            Eh.

            Ben stepped inches away from Henk’s bare feet and pointed at his eye, trying to explain without words that their host’s condition was rearing its head. “You want to fight, that’s fine. But afterward, we’re gone. Whatever Tabitha took—”

            The next thing to come out of Billings’ mouth was a moan. Evan Henk delivered a straight, stiff punch to his gut, causing him to double over. Ben found himself with an arm wrapped around his pitched-over neck. The pressure was unbearable.

            As he flailed his arms in a pathetic attempt to wrest himself free, the world began to fog over. He could hear Tabby in the background, apologizing for getting him into this.

            “I—hate—you—Tabitha,” he managed, now on the precipice of Charon and the River Styx. He’d played Charon in a tonally schizophrenic musical comedy about the underworld of Greek mythology. His last two acts in life: expressing contempt for Tabby and thinking about another project that he should’ve had nothing to do with—seemed just about right.

            “He’ll do it, Evan,” Tabby cried, beating on the two bodyguards with balled fists. “If you kill him, I won’t give it back. You hear me! If Benji dies, you can go ahead and kill me!”

            Henk kept Ben’s neck cinched in the crook of his arm and looked over at Tabby. He wore the face of a man making a decision of supreme unimportance—the kind of mug a person pulls while looking at a drive-thru menu…